| Wittic-izms This page, and the pages linked to it (and only to it - thank God!) are a short (hehe) sample of some of my "better" humorous anecdotes and a few "really good" items that I really shouldn't lay claim to. As you continue from here, be assured that none of this humor is dirty in any way, all of it can be shown to an 8-year old. After all, I, myself, am just an 8-year old trapped in a 62 year-old body. Now, enjoy the good ones but don't say I didn't warn you about my bad jokes. |
| Let's start this whole thing out with what I think is a GREAT idea - my FIRST BRILLIANT IDEA OF THE NEW YEAR When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, you know most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes! If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back - blank! Just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. Shoot, you can send it back empty, if you want. Keep 'em guessing! Eventually, all these banks and other organizations will begin getting all their stuff back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all ... THEY'RE paying for it! TWICE!! |
| The Bible In 50 Words |
| God walked Love talked Anger crucified Hope died Love arose Spirit flamed Word spread God remained. |
People walked Sea divided Tablets guided Promise landed Saul freaked David peaked Prophets warned Jesus born |
| Prayers go up, Blessings come down!! |
God made Adam bit Noah arked Abraham split Joseph ruled Jacob fooled Bush talked Moses balked Pharaoh plagued |
MY JOB It's not my job, To run the train; The whistle, I can't blow: It's not my place, To say how far; The train's allowed to go: It's not my place, To shoot off steam; Nor even clang the bell: But let the darn thing, Jump the track: And See Who Catches Hell!! |
| COMPUTERS If computers computated computationally, and multiplied multiplicity multitudes, and subtracted the subtrahend negatively and added the addends positively they would work just fine. But what are computers anyway? They are a very poor copy of the human brain. It's true, even though they're faster than a speeding bullet, able to leak tall buildings with a single mounds, more powerful than a local modem. But can they see through walls, or hear a pin drop from a 1000 miles? Who cares? But they are here. And even if they cause us hundreds of extra man-hours, they save us time, right? The computers I worked on in the Air Force weighed 250 pounds. The circuit boards were 5" x 9" and there were 200 of them. It required a 400 cycle generator to make it compute faster and the generator weighed in at another 200 pounds. The test equipment for repairing the unit was another 75 pounds. I'm sure it has been replaced with a shirt pocket model weighing about 10 ounces with batteries. When it breaks, you throw it away. Isn't science wonderful! |
| These jokes and stories down below are a bit longer, so they each have their own page. They're good, some are almost true. |
| MEMORIES If you have these, you're doing OK |
| For All Those Born Before 1940 We Are Survivors (This one is directed mainly at the "mature" audience, although an awful lot of it seems to fit me too.) |
| I'm Tired, and Overworked! (I think that says it all. This little expose' tells you WHY I'm tired & overworked) |
| Medical Dictionary For Country Folk (Uh-huh, not quite like this - really - but close) |
| Cat's Version of Genesis 1 (Another one that's better off on it's own page.) |
| Notes From An In-experienced Chili Taster (This one's even better - if that's possible.) |
| The Time, 1930's; The Place, The USSR (Here's one for the records. Probably more truth than fiction.) |
| Chocolate (This one's for every guy out there that's married. It explains a lot.) |
| Almighty God (This one's not here to make fun of anything - most especially God. It's actually rather thought-provoking. I hope you enjoy it.) |
| Who Is Jack Schitt? (This is the only one of the group that is even questionable, and that's due to the title.) |
| The Brick Joke (If you read all of this one, it's because you love mental pain - no other possibility.) |
| Cat Bathing As A Martial Art (Yup, this is how it is - really) |
| Notre Dame Cathedral & Quasimodo (This one's GREAT, even if I DO say so myself.) |
| Who Is Santa Claus, Really? (From my "beloved" sister-in-law, Phyllis. Actually, this is worth thinking about, for about 1 second.) |
| Cat's Rules (If I didn't know better, I could swear that one of [or all of] my cats wrote this one. This is more than true, it's nearly gospel.) |
| Mr. Gorsky (Truth! History! This is real, it's history, it's funny! Neil Armstrong on the moon) |
| I Want To Hurt My Computer (This one is a bit longer, Please click here to see) |
| Technology For Country Folk (This here's for all y'all what's laik mee - country!) |
Now, here is some wisdom we should have had all along. According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so), male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen ... had to be female. (We should've known ..... since they were able to find their way.) . |
Lots more coming. They take time to type. |
| Only A Guy Would Do This (Not 'ragging' on guys - after all, I am one - but this is something only a guy would do) |
| Anger Management Really Works (Now, this is my idea of anger management) |
| Why Women Can't Sleep (OK, I admit that this is a bit "feminist", but there might just be a kernel of truth to it too. At least, my wife thinks so.) |
| Actual Wal-Mart Application This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old senior citizen submitted to Wal-mart in California. They hired him because he was so funny… |
| Snake warning you need to read Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis ) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why. |
| Dog Food Diet Aw, go ahead and read it. No hints as to what it's about. |
| They Walk Among Us Stupidity is as stupidity does. These people walk among us. They reproduce. Worst of all, they vote. |
| More Idiot Sightings I don't know where these people come from. Sometimes it's just funny to report on them. |
| Thanks For All The E-mails Over The Past Year I really don't know what I'd do without them... All those wonderful warnings about everything under the sun. |
| A Few Good Senior Moments Face it! This is all of us in a short while. For some of us, it's NOW! |
| Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee (Gee! Me!!!!!!!!!) |
| Black & White If you're under the age of 40, you probably won't understand |
| Early Retirement Doesn't matter how long this one has been around - it might actually be coming true very soon. |
| Black & White You've got to be as old as me to appreciate this one. |